I’ve made it up until this month relatively calm, cool, and collected and it wasn’t until this past Saturday that I finally lost it, you could say I finally Covid crashed and as my kids would say, had a mental breakdown. I decided to take somewhat of a break from social media this year because I wanted to be available for my family, unplug, pause, breathe, observe…BE. I deleted my Facebook account, starting a new one only for business just to find I was found, I couldn’t be anonymous like I’d thought. It was through witnessing so much judgment and belittling that I just grew discontent with the online space. I wasn’t proud of who I was being and I wasn’t feeling as though it was the best use of my time. Alas, yesterday, after having a lovely brunch with some soul sisters, I was encouraged to re-presence myself back in the un-social land of social media and nudged to share the “shut the fuck up story.”
This year, as positive of a life coach as I am, I’ve had moments of “this just plain f*ing blows” along with “we are so f*ing fortunate for so many reasons” and every feeling and emotion in between. I’d say I’ve done a stellar job of holding it together this year until this past weekend. As a family, we’ve had a lot to be grateful for. It’s also been a struggle with the nonstop back and forth around grades, values, breakdowns, loss, and disconnection, and this past weekend, it finally came to ahead.
We were taking a day trip to Santa Barbara and the morning started just the way my husband frustratingly predicted the night before…kids complaining and bickering, husband’s breathing pattern clearly speaking volumes about his frustration, I just couldn’t anymore. I no longer could stay positive and try to reframe my way the F* out of it, I lost it. I turned around and yelled at my kids “SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP!” It was the exact feeling I had when they were young and I’d spanked them probably the two times in their entire lives, it felt as though I’d just ruined them. I immediately went into remorse. It was completely silent in the car aside from my weeping.
It was the ultimate release of everything that had gone wrong this year, finally admitting to myself that it was ok to acknowledge the plain and simple bullshit of 2020. Just like anything with parenting, I knew there was an opportunity there for teaching. I allowed myself to weep, to be seen moving through my emotions, and to just be human. I went to bed that night and continued weeping. This year has been a lot. As parents, we want everything for our kids. It’s been a lot to be completely hunkered down with our greatest mirrors; the one human I married and the two children we created. What the impact that experience had on me was noticing that support and self-care have been missing, connection, and vitamin sea completely void. It can be so easy to get caught in survival when experiencing what this year has been, the trauma of it all. The biggest take away from the STFU trip was that support is vital. I could feel the compassion from my kids after they recognized I was moving through some super deep pain.
On the positive side, the rest of the trip was lovely and there was no more fighting. The reason for sharing is so that you have the awareness that you don’t have to let it get the STFU point, if it gets to that point, it’s ok to feel deeply. This year is a lot, we need to overdose on the self-care and support. Being intentional over the next couple of months is vital because it’s likely going to be A LOT A LOT. Remembering to say no to the things that don’t serve us is going to be crucial, rest is going to be crucial, finding ways to connect is going to be crucial, kindness and compassion with ourselves and others=CRUCIAL. As parents, everything we experience is an opportunity for teaching, it’s important for our kids to see our humanity. Maybe yelling at them to STFU wasn’t the most empowering strategy, it was, however, a total lesson in how to have a mental breakdown and make some changes in our day to day going forward. I know so many people who don’t want their kids to see them cry, think about the impact of not knowing how to move through emotions. Remember to reach out for support because it’s always available. As much positivity has come out of 2020, there is also a lot of heartaches and I believe there are days we collectively feel it, it’s so important to allow ourselves the freedom to be with ALL of the emotions that come up. Sending you heaps and heaps of love and strength right now.️