Can I have your permission to be frank with you? It’s a total disservice for you to be living in a victim mentality and I get it, you’re human, you would probably agree you’ve had your fair share of Eat Pray F* you days where you find yourself sitting in your bitter bath, steeping in anger? I’d been hanging out there lately and was able to shift my perspective.  I’m wondering if you can relate.

In human design, my “not theme self” is bitterness, it’s the place I go when my ego comes out to play.  Lately, after hitting the big 4-0, I’ve been in deep reflection around my relationships.  I’ve felt a thick, dark, anger rise within me from watching myself pour into people, with all that I’ve got, constantly giving, and not feeling any reciprocation.  

Then I would get into this nasty conversation with myself, “am IIIIIII the one who is actually selfish, is there something I’m not seeing about myself that others are seeing? Maybe I should just stop giving?  No, I can’t, it’s my human nature to be a giver.  I’m confused, what am I supposed to do with these feelings?”  

As I was journaling out some of my bitterness, a memory bubbled up, I remembered when my husband and I were first together.  It was probably the second time after we had slept together, we were getting dressed and he asked me if I had an orgasm.  I nearly choked on my own dismay and nearly died from embarrassment.  I’d had plenty of sexual escapades and I’d NEVER been asked this very (at the time) awkward question.  Not. Once.  

He was genuinely concerned for my vaginal well-being and it was so far out of left field for me.  That was what set the tone for our entire relationship, clear communication (ahem) and genuine concern and care for one another.  He was always incredibly concerned for my well-being, in every capacity.  I in-turn had always reciprocated, I was always more concerned for his well-being more so than my own at times and it always made for crazy harmony and balance between the two of us.

As I was remembering that memory, I made the connection as to how it could apply to all of the relationships I’d been stewing over, (minus the orgasm).  I realized I could continue to stay bitter and focus my energy on all of the people I wasn’t feeling the reciprocation with ORRRR, I could choose to spend my energetic currency on those who were in harmony with the reciprocal energetic ebb and flow.  I started to see all of the people in my life who really have shown up for me when I needed them, who genuinely cared for my well-being.  I in-turn 100% would do anything at all if they needed me and I’d do it at the drop of a dime.  It was this huge lightbulb moment.  

You can literally choose bitterness or love, some days are total EPFY days and it’s perfectly ok to soak in bitterness.  Changing your state of being is really pretty simple when we take the lessons from the emotion and choose something different.  

It’s not that the people I was stewing over were bad, there just wasn’t balance energetically. Some I’ve distanced myself from, some I’ve just chosen to stop pouring into. When you choose to distance yourself from the people that don’t have a genuine care for your well-being, you free up space for more awesome souls to come in.  It’s incredibly empowering to also begin asserting your boundaries, “no” is one of the most powerful words you can use to change your entire life.

Are you constantly pouring into everyone in the world, feeling like you are super F*ing tired of being a doormat? Is it time to choose something different?   You’re worthy of being surrounded by people who see you, feel you, and pour into you.  There are 7.53 billion people on the planet, and plenty of those folks have the capacity to match you energetically.  Filling your circle with the people who fill you is a total game changer.  It took me 40 years to really get it.  But I got it. 

Photo Credit Marvin Meyer @marvelous

What Nobody tells you about being responsible for your life

in·teg·ri·tyinˈteɡrədē/nounintegrityDoing the right thing even when nobody’s looking.

“Jimmy showed his integrity by not looking at the answers to the test when every other cheating bastard in his class was passing them out.”

I swear when you have integrity everywhere, life just works.  If we look at your life and identify the areas that just aren’t working, I’d ask you to consider checking in with yourself.  When we show up for our lives and do this deep soul diving work, we can move mountains by connecting to this one piece: integrity.

I’ve had multiple experiences where I’ve been “screwed over” in my life.  If I were to take full ownership of my life however, I could take full responsibility to see how I was actually accountable for the way it had gone in each situation.

I’ll use myself as the integrity example here: there was one situation time where I’d been sending business referrals to someone  (I’ll keep the details super vague to protect their privacy).  There was a breakdown in communication and I did not receive proper compensation (a lot of proper compensation).  I was beyond pissed, how unfair I thought, I complained and complained to my husband and friends.  They all sided with me at the time because it was blatant highway robbery.

However,

When you really root down in the self-help world, you learn to take full ownership of your life, 100% of it  (and F,*  sometimes it can be exhausting and you feel like you want to stab your third eye out with a pencil).  BUT, it’s a powerful way to live.

So, in taking full responsibility for the way it had gone, I was completely out of integrity with my boundaries and my power.  I did not assert my boundaries in those business dealings and I gave my power away way too freely.   I’m guessing you can relate?  The only person who was responsible was me.  Were there unethical practices in those business dealings: yes!   It’s not my job to be responsible for other people’s immorality by playing Karma police, karmic law handles it all: the good, the bad and the ugly.

So, the invitation is for you to take on the practice of taking inventory of your #integrityaccount

Check out your relationship to integrity everywhere: with your words, your actions, your well-being, your relationships, your money, your driving, your commitments.  See if you can be responsible for everything in your life when you look at it through the lens of integrity.  It may sound weird but something as simple as having a messy wallet or driving over the speed limit is a micro-example of how we may be acting out of integrity.

Photo Credit Jason Cooper @marvelous